dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
