You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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