why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
