So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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