He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
