I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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