we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
