just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
