How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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