I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
