Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
