the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
