Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
