Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
