I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize