What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
