If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
