You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
