I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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