If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
