I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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