Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
