So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
