i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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