I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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