I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
