i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
