My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
