I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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