Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
wow bdsm is so cute
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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