3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
