Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
