Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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