He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
ttyl tear gas
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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