I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The Olympian is in my bed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
