so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
