Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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