grandma shit on top of the toilet
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
