Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
