your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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