I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
