Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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