he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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