apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
