I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
