Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
