I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
