im six kinds of drunk right now
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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