I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
