I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
