Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
