We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
