You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
