eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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