billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
