Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
