saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
