Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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