Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
