I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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