so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
