The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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