You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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