And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
